I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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