Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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