I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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