take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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