seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
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