I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
