mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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