I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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