Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
