how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
