and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
