I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
