Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
