Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
