I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
