if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
