i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
