Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
