my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
