HIV tests are more positive than that guy
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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