Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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