I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
