I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
