Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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