So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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