i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
