The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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