I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
