im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
