the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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