You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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