It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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