I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
