So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
