our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
