You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
