i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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