I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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