I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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