For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We have started to decorate penises.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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