if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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