i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
