I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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