Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
