we have pet lesbian snakes
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
