I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
