trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
