my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
