Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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