That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
