two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
