I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
