wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
