I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
