YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
