You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
